


Found and Lost

by Vialana



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, F/M, Season/Series 04, implied clone Shiro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 13:56:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13436181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vialana/pseuds/Vialana
Summary: Allura understands grief; it is familiar. Hope is far more dangerous.





	Found and Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prompt fic taken from prompt 29 on [this list I reblogged on my Tumblr](https://ladyvialana.tumblr.com/post/167468270929/nearly-200-writing-prompts-feel-free-to-reblog)
> 
> Set from the end of season 2 to vaguely post season 4

Allura managed to hold it together until she was alone in the Black Lion’s cockpit. Keith had been silent, trembling, until he fell to his knees behind the seat. Hunk had to carry him out of the Lion, Coran following after a quick worried glance at the others left behind. Allura managed a stoic nod to him and, while he accepted it, she knew he would be back to talk with her later in private.

Coran understood better than anyone the sudden grief they were all feeling.

Keith’s breakdown seemed to wake everyone form their immobile disbelief. Pidge immediately started theorising, barely able to finish her sentences as she tried to hold her panic at bay with her formidable intelligence. As soon as he had something to focus on, Lance focused intently on her. He nodded along to whatever she was saying, rested his hand on her shoulder when she started shaking and pulled her into tangents when she got too choked up about the more devastating theories. Eventually he suggested they move to her lab to see what she could find with proper instruments and Pidge raced from the cockpit, eyes gleaming, eager to have something productive to do.

Before he followed her, Lance turned to Allura and hesitated an instant before laying a warm hand on her arm.

“Are you going to be okay, Princess?”

Allura met his concerned gaze and forced herself to nod. “I will be. Thank you Lance. Please take care of them.”

She saw his shoulders drop with released tension when she gave him the suggestion. “Of course. You can count on me.”

Lance squeezed her arm in reassurance then left, practically marched, to make sure Pidge and the rest of the paladins didn’t completely fall apart.

Allura waited until she couldn't hear his footsteps in the hanger before letting out a shaking breath that sounded more like a sob. She allowed herself a moment to stablise her breathing before moving around to the front of the seat. She didn’t sit down; the mere thought raised her hackles. Instead, she leaned over to inspect the black bayard sitting in the console.

The last time she had seen it like this, Zarkon had still been considered an ally.

Her trembling fingers traced the curves of the weapon, the shape so familiar even after all this time. She wished she had been able to see her Black Paladin wield it, at least once.

Closing her eyes, she banished the painful thought from her mind before firmly grasping the bayard and pulling it from the console.

It was cold and lifeless in her hand.

Allura didn’t even glance at it as she left the Black Lion to it’s slumber.

 

* * *

 

“We found him! The Black Lion found him!”

Allura’s attention was instantly at the viewscreen as Keith called through. She was at her station, plotting their next jump with input from Coran at his console, but all of that was suddenly much less important than what Keith was saying.

“Are you sure?” She could feel her heart starting to beat faster in anticipation.

“Black is.” Keith was smiling, his face more animated and excited than she had seen in some time. But she didn’t dare hope too much; the pain would be unbearable.

Allura turned to Coran who knew exactly what to say and do. “Have the Black Lion scan the ship before you bring it it. I’ll have the pod bay door open for you.”

“Roger. Approaching the castle in five dobashes.” Keith’s image vanished from the viewscreen and Allura was left staring at the star map she’s previously been completely engrossed in. She didn’t even register what she was seeing, too overwhelmed with the unexpected situation.

“Go. I’ll inform the others.”

Allura looked at Coran. His smile was so kind, as it always had been throughout her entire life. No one knew her better than him. She was so glad he was here with her.

“Thank you.”

She disengaged from her system, the crystal above her dimming and the pedestals retracting back into the floor. She ran out of the control room towards the pod bay as fast as she could move.

She hadn’t let herself imagine what this day would be like—too afraid to hope for anything lest it be ripped from her like everything else has been. But now that this moment was here, Allura couldn’t help thinking about all the ways in which she might see him again. Would he smile? Was he wounded? Maybe too overwhelmed to talk? Perhaps so eager to be reunited with his team he won’t be persuaded to the med bay for a proper check up.

She wondered if he would catch her gaze and hold it, so gently, like he often did with her hands. She ached to see his kind eyes again, to hear his deep voice.

The pod bay door opened as she approached and she slid through the gap as quickly as she could. The Black Lion was setting a damaged Galra fighter down in the middle of the hangar. She reached the cockpit just as Keith jumped down from his lion. The fighter was so damaged it wouldn’t open, so Allura dug her fingers into the groove of the cockpit shield and yanked.

It took her a moment, the vacuum seals taking a moment to release in the pressurised atmosphere of the castle hangar, but she managed to pull the window free and let it fall with a heavy thunk somewhere behind her. She and Keith scrambled up and over the lip of the cockpit.

It was Shiro in the pilot’s seat. He looked awful, sallow and thin, and his hair was long and tangled, hanging over his face. His eyes were glazed and barely open as he watched them pull him from the fighter. Most distressingly, his breathing was laboured and he couldn’t seem to gather enough energy to even raise his hand. 

Keith couldn’t get his fingers to cooperate as he tried to unbuckle the restraints, so Allura ripped them from the seat with much more care than she had the metal of the cockpit.

“You’re safe now,” Allura said as she lifted him as gently as she could from the seat. Keith hovered, tentatively grasping Shiro’s arm as Allura worked.

Shiro didn’t reply. His eyes slid shut and he fell unconscious just as Allura fully freed him from the Galra ship. Keith cried out as Shiro went limp but Allura shook her head.

“He’s fine. He’s breathing, his heart’s beating. He’s just exhausted.”

Keith sighed in relief. “Good. We should still get him to the med bay.”

“Agreed.” Allura straightened up, shifting Shiro so that he lay more securely in her arms—cradled like something precious.

“Do you need help carrying him?” Keith looked like he wanted to be the one to be holding Shiro but understood how impractical it was.

Allura shook her head and fought the urge to tighten her grip. “I’ll be fine.” She smiled down the wonderful burden in her arms and let tears gather in the corner of her eyes, finally allowing herself to release some of the emotion pent up inside for so long. “He’s back.”

Keith laid a hand on her shoulder, his grip shaking as much as his uneven breath. “Yeah, he is. Don’t let him go.” His grip tightened momentarily before falling away.

Allura shook her head, unable to look away from Shiro’s peaceful face. “Never.”

 

* * *

 

Allura hesitated at the threshold of the bridge’s open doors.

Shiro was alone in the control room by the Black Paladin’s console, going through star maps.

For some reason, she felt like she was intruding now whenever she stepped into the control room. It was ridiculous, but the uneasiness in the pit of her gut wouldn’t leave no matter what she told herself.

Refusing to let irrational emotions control her, Allura straightened her back and stepped forward, still in her paladin uniform, and cleared her throat to get Shiro’s attention.

He looked over at her with that infuriatingly diplomatic smile that had become far more common since his return to the team. It was better than the blank look he got sometimes when staring out into the void beyond the ship late at night, but only because he was at least conscious of the impact his emotions had on other people when he tried to smile.

Allura hated that smile, even if it was useful during negotiations with rebels and alliance leaders. She probably wouldn’t hate it so much if she hadn’t realised how rarely Shiro ever seemed to smile any more—even after reuniting with the Black Lion. She missed his genuine smiles, the small intimate ones filled with warmth and care. And she especially missed his laughter, which always seemed to surprise him whenever it burst out but left him looking far younger and much less careworn than he usually was.

These days, Shiro just seemed so cold and distant. Laughter seemed an impossibility.

Allura never said anything. The one time she tried to bring up her concerns with him, he took it as a criticism of his tactics—he thought she was saying he wasn’t trying hard enough to win over the potential allies they were visiting. As a result, he became so hyper-focused on building their numbers that the whole team was left exhausted by back-to-back missions liberating holdout factions in a warring system just so that they could access and fortify an underground supply line. They’d been woefully under-prepared and overwhelmed by Galra forces, yet they somehow managed to scrape a victory and, in doing so, won over some very important allies and increased their alliance forces almost two-fold.

Allura had watched after the battle, too exhausted to revel in the win or even do more than politely accept greetings and gratitude, as Shiro led the discussions with their new allies. He had to have been exhausted too, but he didn’t show it—standing tall and glowing with the glory of victory.

Yet, despite his triumphant expression, Shiro’s eyes had held no joy.

Allura had turned away, unable to look too long lest her inner turmoil became visible to their tentative allies.

Now, with no alliances at stake and the rest of the castle asleep, Allura did her best not to freeze under his gaze, though her stomach still roiled with that persistent unease.

It did no good to lie to herself any longer: Shiro  _frightened_  her.

Allura had never felt threatened by him before, not even when he was fighting and destroying his opponents without flinching—at least then she could see and understand his motivations and the desperate emotions displayed through every shift of his muscle. Before, he always fought to help, to save—he fought for  _her_ , for the team, for the universe. He fought because he had to, even though Allura could tell he did not enjoy the violence.

(It was part of why she was drawn to him—this young man who should be broken by everything that happened to him, who was still fighting, still committed to his moral duty to others, still living and striving for more. It was why his advice was so valuable to her: he understood her own drive to fulfill her duty as one of the last Alteans and the guardian of Voltron. He understood wanting things you couldn’t have, not yet at least. He understood the importance of dreams.)

Looking at him now, so closed off from her—from everyone—she couldn’t read any of his emotions any more. She no longer understood why he fought, why he pushed for certain battles and focused so intently on building their ‘army’. She certainly couldn’t understand why he seemed so brutal and calculating now.

She did, however, now understand why those prisoners they rescued from Sendak’s ship had initially seemed so afraid of the one they called Champion.

Allura wondered what had happened while he was lost that could scar him so deeply inside again. She wondered if she—the team—could help him heal from it again. She wondered if she would ever see Shiro’s smile again.

Rather than wondering, she decided to act.

Shaking off the memories and the discomfort, Allura continued striding confidently into the control room and took her place at Shiro’s side. He had turned back to the galaxy map and was focused on a Galra outpost they had been discussing in the recent battle council.

Allura could not recall a conversation she or anyone else had recently had with Shiro that didn’t concern the war.

“Have you slept?” She decided to ask, a mild icebreaker to ease him into the conversation she actually wanted to start.

“Of course.” He didn’t look at her when he replied but then he seemed to register the question and paused in the middle of his calculations and glanced at her. “Why? Are you concerned about my performance?”

“No.” Allura put her hands up to placate him, wishing she didn’t feel the need to be so defensive. “Not exactly.” She put her hands behind her back, clenching them together as she drew a deep breath. “I did wish to speak to you about something, though.”

Shiro hesitated but did eventually close his eyes and turn away from the information on the holoscreens he was always so preoccupied with nowadays.

Allura took it as a win and let it bolster her confidence. “I have wanted to tell you this for some time but recent events have been quite distracting.”

Shiro’s posture didn’t change—his arms were still folded over his chest, not inviting the closeness Allura used to share with him and still sorely missed.

Refusing to let it deter her, Allura pressed on. “I wanted you to know that if ever you wanted to talk, about anything, that I am here to listen. I know that you have been through much hardship, and perhaps you would rather not discuss it. But I just wanted you to know that I am here for you in whatever capacity you need.”

Allura waited, watching him absorb her words. Shiro blinked and his arms fell to his sides. She inhaled deeply, letting herself hope for a brief moment.

“I ... thank you, princess. That is very kind.” Shiro’s steady gaze turned away from her and her heart stuttered in her chest, that awful suffocating feeling creeping over her again. “However, it’s not necessary.”

Allura forced a smile onto her face. “Maybe not, but, please remember it anyway.”

Shiro nodded, angling his body back towards the holoscreen. “Of course.”

It was a dismissal. But Allura didn’t leave. She didn’t know when she would have this opportunity or this level of determination again.

Shiro noticed her continued presence at his side. “Was there something else?”

Allura stepped closer, so sure in the knowledge that she could not let this (perhaps somewhat selfish) final question stay unanswered. It haunted her dreams and made her hesitate. She needed to know.

“There is.” She reached out to touch her hand to his pale flesh one, lying limp at his side.

Shiro’s eyes widened at the touch.

“I wanted to ask about us.” Shiro’s wide gaze met hers. “I wanted——”

Shiro pulled away from her sharply, leaving her hand suspended in the air, reaching for a touch that would not be returned.

“Allura,” he shook his head, “there is no us. There was never an us.”

Unbidden, a memory Allura cherished filled her mind—Shiro’s hand gently holding hers in this very control room as he gazed at her so gently and concerned, asking her not to overwork herself, telling her that he was there for her, affirming for her that they would be okay. That memory was not—could not—be a lie.

Allura knew Shiro had felt their connection; he had felt it as long as she had. She remembered the way he used to speak her title and how rarely and reverently he would speak her given name. She remembered their mission on the Galra ship, how he begged her not to stay behind. She remembered him coming for her despite the danger, saving him from Haggar. She remembered the long nights on the castle, sharing words and stories and confidences as they planned their next moves against Zarkon.

She remembered that they were close once, on the brink of something wonderful, before he was lost to her.

And now, even as he stood before her, she understood she had lost him forever.

“My apologies.” Allura couldn’t fake another smile. Not after this. “I will refrain from disturbing you any longer and leave you to your work.”

She turned around and rushed towards the door. Shiro did not call out for her from behind. She did not stop walking until she reached her quarters.

Alone in her silent room, Allura finally let herself cry for her lost love.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr: [ladyvialana](https://ladyvialana.tumblr.com)


End file.
